It was quite a load to get off one’s chest when the person he was talking to couldn’t even hear him and the idea of repeating it all when Tony was awake and could react had his stomach clenching and a wave of nausea creeping up his throat. The strange thing was, if it was anyone else or about anyone else, he would do everything in his power to fix it. But Steve had woken from the ice with an icon’s image to fill and personal things always got shoved to the back.
“I’ll even… I’ll even let you hit me if you want, with the glove on and everything just, don;t you fucking die on me okay? I can’t… I can’t lose you.” Steve dropped his head into the crook of his arm and let out a soft noise of pain, torn between emotional and physical coupled with sheer exhaustion. Maybe if he slept he would end up waking up and it would all have been a bad dream.
Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. Though it was dramatic, he had to give it that. For Tony to put himself to sleep that way, he wasn’t expecting that much of a repercussion other from the medics giving him a stern talking to once he was awake once more. They should have known it wasn’t a killer dose, but was enough to knock him out for a long time.
He was still dazed when he slightly opened his eyes, just partially allowing the light to break through.
He could feel Steve resting by him, he felt the weight, the light choked sob between words was audible enough even from his perspective. All he could see once he had finally opened his eyes, even just a bit, was a blond mop buried into his arm. “You can’t get rid of me that easily, Rogers…”
“You idiot,” Steve murmured quietly. The medic had informed him of Tony’s state and their failed attempts to bring him back to consciousness leaving Steve fearing the last thing Tony heard was Steve yelling at him. That wasn’t what he wanted. He pressed down slightly, watching the steady heartbeat yet the somewhat deathly pale look across Tony’s face.
“Please wake up, I’m sorry I yelled at you, just… wake up and yell at me again okay? I can take it, I swear I can. It’s not the first time I’ve had someone I love yelling at me.” Steve huffed out a gentle laugh and reached, daringly, to take Tony’s hand and wind their fingers together. “You wanted to know why I ran? I ran because I was scared. So scared that it would be like last time. And I know you’re different, there’s a lot I haven’t told you, haven’t told anyone actually… it’s not something you throw into polite conversation. Who would believe that Captain America couldn’t walk away from an unhealthy relationship right? Always wanting to see the best in people I guess. Even when they push you down, belittle you, rape you, leave you… leave you scared.”
Steve cleared his throat quietly. “Anyway, doesn’t really matter now I know. It’s too late huh. You don’t deserve a wreck. The last person I trusted after that tricked me and I lost… I lost–… I lost a kid. Not the kind of thing you can bring up to someone. You think I’m closed off, I can’t help it… just…” Steve shook his head and wiped away the tears that had crept up. “Just… wake up and yell at me again. Please.”
Tony was still. The thing about an overdose is that it doesn’t exactly kill you if you do it carefully, it just makes you ill and shuts your brain off for a little while. It allows you to float around in the darkest places of your mind without the shadows lurking up and grabbing you back down.
Morphine didn’t last forever either. It’s effects would wear off after a while, Tony may not have had a medical PHD but he did know the basics of biochem. It did exhaust him and knock him out good.
He could hear a mumble, a voice next to him. It didn’t take long for him to realise that it was Steve’s, that he was talking to him, that he was confessing something to him. All he could hear was a muffle at first but slowly but surely the words began to ring clear.
Still his eyelids weigh down. Though his fingers twitched, ever so slightly.
He didn’t want to yell, he didn’t want to keep hurting people he cared about.
“No, you demanded and assumed an expected. You never actually asked me anything! You never asked me how I felt, so don’t you sit there and yell to the heavens that you love me when all you’ve done is tear me down because I got scared and ran!”
Steve was silenced by the medic shoving an oxygen mask over his face and shoving him down with a frown, and Steve didn’t have the energy to actually fight it. He did groan out when they removed the bandages and started working on stitching the various gashes and the bullet hole back together. Steve let his eyes drift close, head tilted away and hand resting lightly on the mask.
Of course Tony couldn’t love anyone, he was the tin man. If he’d only had a heart, and some empathy, he wouldn’t have been in that situation. He drifted, turning to the IV that was dripping with morphine, fingertips twitching toward the dial and manually changing it. He needed to block out the pain, completely. The only way to do that was to sedate himself. If the medics wouldn’t do it, then he would. It didn’t take that much effort either.
Less than half an hour and he was out cold. Medics that checked up on him later saw no response either. Tony just drifted, because that was all he could do.
“I said I was sorry for everything, even running and you can’t just pick and choose what apologies to listen to.” Scooping Tony up like he did, Steve didn’t notice when his stitched tore or the blood started to seep through the bandages, all he focused on was getting Tony back to the bed. “You don’t know me, not well enough to have– you shouldn’t have feelings for me Tony because you’ll only end up getting hurt, hell you’re already hurt. And you haven’t even asked me any damn questions. You just yell and stamp your feet and throw insults regardless!”
He was gentle in setting Tony back on the bed, only lingering for a moment before he was pushed aside by a medic clearly frantic at having missed how bad a state Tony was truly in. Steve swallowed hard an took another wobbling step back, sinking down onto his own bed and trying to push away the hands that came near to tend to his bandages. He could wait.
The movement itself had exhausted him and Steve’s head fell forward, eyes closing to stop the world spinning.
“I asked–!” He yelled back once his back hit the bed, but was cut off by the medics surrounding him. For Steve to think over the years that they were together that he didn’t know him, that hurt. They used to go for lunches together, they used to talk on the phone all the time especially when they were younger - especially when Steve had assumed Tony and Iron Man were separate people. They spent so much time confiding in one another and suddenly none of that mattered. It felt like Tony’s life was a lie.
The other medics despite Steve’s protest helped him back on the bed again, slipping the IV’s back where they belonged. Same went for Tony. He was injected with something to calm him down to stop him from kicking about and forced to lay down again, laying there on his bed while they changed the bandages along his body and re-did all of their work.
Tony was left laying there, staring up at the ceiling with a burning glare, going through what he could remember of his past. Wondering if he really knew nothing, if everyone he cared about was just a figment of his imagination. All he could think about was how much he had loved Steve, and how much now he was being pushed further and further away. He hated it, but if Steve wanted to push him away then he would have to allow it. Everything in his life was always a lie, that’s just how he lived. In a bubble thinking he knew everything when in fact he knew nothing.
“Yeah I don’t care obviously,” Steve muttered, well past the point of trying to persuade Tony otherwise. It wasn’t getting him anywhere and maybe Tony needed someone to hate. Maybe he needed someone to yell at and hurt just so he didn’t feel as bad, so Steve would be that person. Of course his injuries were less that pleased with the movement that took to get himself up and out of bed, tearing the lines from his arm. With the supply gone, it wouldn’t be long until the full force of pain hit him again but by then he could get Tony back surely.
“Tony!” Hauling himself out the room, he hit the emergency alarm on the wall and went after the engineer, grabbing his arm when he was close enough and frowning a damp. Blood? “I apologise, it’s not enough. I agree and it’s still no enough. You’re impossible Tony, nothing I do is good enough and I don’t know what you want from me!”
He wasted no time in pulling Tony towards him, grunting in pain as he scooped the man up seconds before it looked like he was going to collapse anyway and at the sound of footsteps, Steve yelled,
“SOMEBODY HELP!”
Tony yelped loudly when Steve grabbed his arm like that, his skin was raw under the bandages, still attempting to heal itself so any pressure on the now split open wounds caused him immense pain. His eyes watered with how much it burned.
“You apologised for getting me out of retirement, but that’s it, that’s all you care about. You can’t just mess with people, Rogers! You can’t just kiss them and run away, you can’t just not say anything– I ask you why and you go quiet, you can’t do that! Not after this long!” He yelled as loudly as he could to be heard over the blaring alarms. His and Steve’s relationship really MEANT something to him, that much was clear, the way he stressed the word ‘years’ was enough to convey that he just wanted answers. He wanted years of feelings to be cleared up, resolved, even closed if Steve really felt nothing for him instead of kissing him as though he felt something then distancing himself again.
When he was scooped up so easily he closed his eyes with disdain, embarrassment and anguish. He felt absolutely pathetic in those big arms, too weak to even kick out of them. He didn’t WANT to be saved. “Fucks sakes...” He cursed between his teeth, hearing the quickened footsteps of the medics running toward where the alarm had been set off.
“Yup,” Steve mumbled quietly, agreeing because it was easier. That and he could take it. He could take the anger and the hatred and the abuse, he was good at that. It was weak and he knew that but it was who he was. He’d lost so much it was hard to keep that smile on his face. Because people looked up to him and wanted to see someone strong, someone that couldn’t be hurt, someone damn near inhuman and that took all his energy.
Didn’t leave much for Steve of course but no one noticed and it hadn’t been much of a concern until now.
Hearing the door, he glanced over to see that Tony had left and that was enough to cause concern after what happened but he could also see that Tony clearly wanted space away from him and Steve would give that to him. In all honesty he would do anything for Tony and sometimes leaving was the best option. He was better under somebody’s heel.
“Tony get back in bed before you hurt yourself worse,” he snapped, easing himself up and ignoring the tugging flare of pain in his side. “Medic didn’t say it was safe for you to walk around.”
“D-don’t p-pretend… You CARE.”
His palms pushed against the floor, trying to get himself up again but his limbs felt as though they still bore the weight of the chains; heavy and dragging him down.
He was more injured than he had first thought, his body trembling with pain when he had finally managed to get himself up to his feet, staring leaning on the wall with heavy breaths to try and sidle across it, to get some distance. He didn’t want to look weak, he couldn’t afford to look weak when everywhere people were judging him for the smallest things.
Eventually he pushed away from the wall, staggering his steps to try and carry on forward, finding it harder than ever to stay upright.
“He’s very sweet to me. But every universe is different. And you flirting with me. Ooh. Now that in itself is playing with fire. I like that.” Wanda shook her head. “Are you sure you want to do that? I mean really.” Her finger traced along his should with a chuckle.
“I live on the edge, I believe if we don’t live life to the fullest then we aren’t truly alive at all.” He peers over the rim of his EXPENSIVE frames. “Maybe I just want to feel alive.”
“If I run right out that door will that satisfy you?” Steve mumbled, staring hard at the opposite wall. Of course being this high up in the air there was no escape and jumping out the Helicarrier certainly wouldn’t get him anywhere but down far too fast. And yet even giving him peace seemed to be the wrong thing with Tony and the Captain was more than out of idea’s, there wasn’t even a barrel to scrape anymore.
So he just agreed. “Yup. Cold. Cruel. Weak. Closed off. Using people; you know me so well Tony,” he replied flatly, not moving bar a quick glance to make sure Tony wasn’t hurting himself then back at the wall. Ahh yes, because he needed to practice kissing didn’t he, and for a moment Steve had a fleeting wonder if the kisses had been truly awful.
But really Steve was tired. Not just off how badly things had gone or even a physical exhaustion. He was tired of himself, of how he was, of what he was. Tired of visiting graveyards and stones, tired of bad dreams and cold sweats. Hell he shouldn’t even be here, not really.
Tony sneered, his teeth bared with fury. There were times he missed when Steve had fight in him too - back in the war at least he fought back, at least he showed passion instead of being this. He was weak as it was, Tony was hurt and in pain mentally and physically, but Steve’s dismissal wasn’t making things easier. He was getting his hopes up to be dropped back down and for Steve not to explain why he kissed him. At least if he had an explanation maybe he’d have some closure.
“Once, a long time ago you said that I used you. Well I guess that this is your payback for that, huh.” He stormed to the door, knocking over an instrument table on the way. “I can’t believe that for 10 years, for longer than that, I’ve held a god damn candle for you…” Yes, that was a tantrum, but he was hurt. All he wanted was a reason why Steve kissed him twice then just decided to act like nothing happened, or didn’t speak more of it. With the state Tony’s heart was in he NEEDED to be told that he was being kissed because he was loved, because nowadays he didn’t know. Nowadays people treated him like a doll to have fun with before dumping him in the garbage. “ His body was killing him, each move was opening more cuts, to a point where he reached just outside and dropped to the ground with pain, clutching his arms.
“What?” Steve glanced over in surprise, somewhat alarmed at the sudden drastic change of tone. It took a moment to sink in and when it clicked, Steve realised what he was getting at. Of course, an apology was never enough for the great Tony Stark, the man who’d probably choke rather than the say the word himself.
“Right…I–yeah.” Steve was much too tired to deal with whatever hate Tony planned to sling his way as soon as he was walking again so he eased himself over onto his uninjured side, feeling pressure on bruises as nothing more as a dull ache and leaving it that. Saying sorry over and hover hadn’t worked, admitting twice that there hadn’t been any regret in the kiss hadn’t worked – clearly Steve was barking up the wrong tree.
Soon as they hit the ground he was taking a vacation.
Tony shook his head and pushed himself up, grimacing right away. He could feel his cuts split open when he forced himself up so suddenly, the bandages turning a faint rose.
“You’re a real card, Steve Rogers.” Tony mumbled, staring at the cold floor when his feet pressed against it. “You do things and then don’t elaborate on them, then when you’re asked you turn away. I don’t know when you became this closed off, but people tell ME off for being like that, the last person I’d expect to do that was you. I want answers and you won’t give them to me, I’m just that guy who you can kiss and run from right? Same as before?” He tried to fold his arms, but even that small motion sent a dull ache rattling through his body. “Without any explanation. That’s it. I’m not a toy for you to practice kissing on, Rogers. Use your pillow for that like a regular guy, for crying out loud.”
“Related? I’m THE Deadpool. We’re the same. Just different universes is all. I only say it’s good to see you again. Cause the other you is my best friend. And before you say it. I didn’t friend zone him. that would be rude if I did.” Wanda took a step forward placing her gun back in her holster. “I know. I’m hot. But trust me. I’m not one you should involve yourself with.”
“And who says I’m one to be associated with either? Darling, the other me in that universe is a fool if he let you get away as just a friend. But maybe I find danger more EXCITING.”
